It has been a year since I lost my mother and I am still not accustomed to her absence. She was an integral part of my life and doing life without her has been very difficult and destabilising. We had own routines, such as phone calls at certain times and visiting her to eat my favourite foods. More importantly the quiet reassurance of knowing she was there when I needed her. When she died, those routines did not disappear, they remained, waiting for someone who will never answer again. Even now, I sometimes forget and I reach for my phone instinctively to call then her I remember she is no more. It will take a couple of years before I settle into this new normal without her being around.
The most irritating part about this moving on process is knowing that I need to accept my new normal but I just refuse to do so. Languishing in this abyss of grief is actually soothing, I get to pretend my mum is on vacation and will return when she is well rested.
Death is permanent and that is what hurts the most about it. Death is an extremely violent occurrence which nobody can stop or reverse. It removes choice, negotiations and repair. As the earth exists right now, all life will end, we all eventually die.
My mind and body are not ready to fully process her death yet. For many people, grief comes in layers and not a single moment of acceptance. Sometimes we visit reality, then retreat again, that’s still part of the process. So, I refuse to torment myself about her permanent absence and instead pretend she is temporarily unavailable.
For now, I will continue to wallow in my grief, assume whatever I want and maybe one day will accept that my mother is dead. I want to grieve in my own way that keeps me functioning. When that day comes, I hope I have the courage to know that my mother equipped me well enough to do this life without her.
It is enough that I’m here, still reflecting and surviving a loss that genuinely reshaped my world.